Decisions

Micki took a frustrated swipe at the condensation on the driver’s window. Her fingers felt the sharp contrast between the blast of the air conditioner and the extreme desert heat outside the window. They had been on the road for hours now, although it seemed like days in a year that had already gone on forever. The pre-dawn comfort of a summer night in Salt Lake City had given way to the oppressive early morning heat seen in a Nevada heat wave of late July. She had left Salt Lake thinking they could close this terrible chapter of their lives only to find that Leo had other plans. They were going to continue to repeat the cycle of bad decision after bad decision.

Leo broke the silence that had settled between them for the last miles, “Hey, did you hear me? Are you going to say anything? How about this? There’s a gas station coming up. If we fill up here, that should get us home. Are you going to stop?”

She looked at the gas gauge indicating less than a quarter of a tank. “Fine, we’ll stop, we need gas. But, don’t get confused – there is no home. We’re not going home! We were going to claim the rest of our stuff. That’s all, nothing more. Thanks to you there is no home, and now you think we can go back and settle back into our old lives? Honest to god, Leo, have you learned nothing? Can you not think beyond yourself? We’ve lost it all. Sure, let’s go repeat all of our mistakes. Geez, Leo.”

“Come on Mick, I thought I could turn things around. If the bank hadn’t raised the rate on the mortgage, I wouldn’t have bet it all. We needed the extra money. I had to take a chance. I was this close.” Leo held his thumb and forefinger an inch apart. “I could have made enough to save us.”

“Well you didn’t save us. You sunk us. You sunk all of us. The house is gone, we have the clothes on our backs, the car, and the little bit we have in storage. For god’s sake, Leo, our belongings will fit in this car. If it wasn’t for Mom taking us in and my new job in Salt Lake, we wouldn’t even have a place to live or food to eat. Cooper is ten years old. He needs some stability. He has a new school, new friends, and a bedroom to call his own. And now – now- you want to go back? Back to the casino? When does it stop?”

“Stop! Pull over. What about the gas? Pull over now!” Leo yelled.
Micki took a sharp right into the station. It was deserted. There was one car parked in the shade of the building, probably belonged to the attendant. As she pulled up to the pump, Leo quietly said, “I’m a dealer, Mick, a Vegas dealer. I need to feel the passion, the fire in the belly feel of the casino. I’m going back. We’ll make it this time. You’ll see. Here, I’ll get out and pump. Do you want anything?” he asked as he opened the door of the car. The heat of desert rushed into the car. It made Micki feel sicker than she felt already.

“Sure, get me a Coke” she said in an almost defeated way.

Leo closed the door of the car and started the rituals of pumping gas. Micki stared out the window and took stock of her husband. Good looking in a middle aged sort of way, the years at the casino gym served him well, well-groomed, slick. He looked as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Not running from anything, not avoiding lives’ responsibilities, not detached from those he once loved. The man she loved had lived in that body. The man outside the car, wiping sweat from his brow and returning the nozzle to the pump, was a stranger. He turned away from her to go into the station. And there it was – it was suddenly clear to her and she knew what to do.

Micki turned back to the steering wheel, placed her foot on the brake, shifted, and accelerated without looking back. She moved the car skillfully back onto the roadway with a dry eye and a new resolve. She was soon moving easily along the road at the speed limit. The cell phone rang, and rang, and rang. It stopped. Was that all it took? Did he know that she won’t come back? Would he lie and say he’ll go with her? Would he apologize? Should she go back and convince him to come to Salt Lake City with her? The cell phone rang again almost like an alarm reminding her of reality. It created an urgency. Decide, decide.

Micki thought of the passion, the fire in the belly that Leo was desperately seeking. He assumed that the fire in the belly had to be of an intensity to create an unending turmoil. Was passion always living on the edge? Did the fire in the belly have to burn down the house in order to be considered passion? Micki squinted, partially to deal with the bright sunlight, partially to help her thought process. She was confident that she was most comfortable with the quiet passion of commitment. The fire in her belly was the sort that kept the house warm and those in it feeling secure. She could and would go back to Salt Lake and build this security for Cooper and herself.

The phone once again interrupted Micki’s thoughts. She reached over, grabbed the phone, lowered the window, and tossed the phone into the field. She raised the window quickly to block out the heat, turned up the radio, and prepared to exit at the next road. She was going home.