Enough

I start each year with a “Word of the Year.”  This year’s selection was “ENOUGH.” I chose it because we had just come off of the holiday season and my multiple annual viewings of “Love Actually.”  I consider this flick to be the best holiday movie of all time as it looks at many types of love and it has a pretty decent and funny ensemble cast.  My favorite scene culminates with a proclamation of “enough.”  It is pretty significant because it signifies not an acceptable resolution or even a permanent state of the relationship in question, but for that moment it is indeed, enough. That’s all I wanted for this year – the ability to walk away from any one of the dysfunctional aspects of my life, proclaim “enough,” and move on with my life.

It was the wrong year to pick this word. 

My word should have been “introspection.”  For some odd reason I have waited until my 62^nd year on earth to stop and think about why I am me, why do I have the same recurring problems, why do my relationships develop only to a point and then languish a little?  The most important nagging thought of the year centers on achieving goals and leaving a legacy of some sort.  What will that be? 

So, I have struggled a little more this year than I ever have with finding peace in my “place” and trying to determine the best course for forward movement.  I’m not there yet, but the year is only half over and yes, as stupid as it sounds, that it is my objective to set some goals – 2016 or bust.  I wanted to document a view of the occurrences so far this year that have triggered the self-exploration and some discovery.

The first thing I want to recount is actually a discussion from about 40 years ago.  My mother was complimenting me on something – my ability, in her mind, to adapt and be flexible.  “You can adapt to just about any situation and be okay.”  The muffled response from the far corner of the room, coming from a mid-teen brother, 9 years my junior, was simply “Or she’s too stupid to stop and think about what she is doing.”  Yep, there it is.  For many years I wanted to chalk Joe’s opinion up to the “mid-teen” part of that sentence, but in actuality he was accurate (although, still a pain in the butt).

That’s how I lived my adult life.  Keep moving, work, be there for those around you, be smart, make smart choices, work, follow the rules, meet expectations, work, and start again.  I’ve had fun, and have some incredible relationships with family and friends.  A good life – a blessed life in many ways.  But I do think Joe was right in that I never thoughtfully considered where I was going or where I wanted life to take me.

So now I have started some of this – introspection – only to find that “Enough” is a tough concept and I was biting off more than I thought by choosing that word.  What’s enough?  Who says it’s enough?  Do you innately know when to proclaim “enough” like in the movie?

Earlier this year, I was recounting to a total stranger some of my journey and my seeming inability to accomplish or exceed goals.  She caught me off guard when I was explaining life at home as a child and I said that we “worked.”  We worked on homework, housework, yard work, anything work.  We played only after we worked and if we didn’t finish the work, then we just didn’t play.  You don’t stop working until everyone stops working.  We were taught (by example) that you drew your life satisfaction from work.  Work got you through life.  Work would be rewarded.  And if it wasn’t, it didn’t matter; you get up the next day and work to the common good.  So what does a total stranger say to this??  “How did that make you feel?”  What????? Nobody ever asked how that made me feel.  I told her I didn’t feel anything.  That’s just what we did.  Her next question?  “Well then, how does that make you feel now?”  What???? I’m supposed to feel something now?  And so it began.

I started thinking about the influence of the solid work ethic, rule-following; ask no questions, upbringing and its impact on venturing into unknown spaces, achieving goals, and my ability to leave something – a legacy – for those who might care.  It wasn’t good.  I had been too busy working, too busy caring for people, too busy getting to this point in life – to even consider what would make me happy or satisfied.  I had to figure out how to produce some lasting thing – a product or something.  I see now that just following the golden rule of work for all of those years and not taking time to think beyond the next task limits your ability to accomplish something noteworthy.  You don’t really know how to take risks if you just follow the designated route.  And gosh, I guess that makes me feel pretty dang unfulfilled.

Examining what makes me feel good (in addition to spending time with family) – the answer has been the same for some time.  It is simply - writing.  So what can I do to do something with the writing?  I started by taking a writing class to re-energize my writing self.  Even though I feel a real release or purge of sorts when I write, I never have time.  So the first goal, is make time.  The course was perfect as it operated on the theory that you write for at least 10 minutes -5 days a week.  You write on assigned prompts.  This was good stuff.  I was writing again and usually for at least 30-45 minutes a day.  The class developed as a true cohort and served as a group therapy session providing even more opportunity for introspection.  The daily writing brought forth topics needing more exploration and consideration while getting the creative juices flowing.  Okay, I feel more fulfilled but still question where it can take me.  Still not enough.

As the adrenalin of the six weeks wears off, I need to seek more direction.  I need some honest input on the actual writing.  I need the sort of critique “real” writers look for when working on a project.  In the middle of the night, my lightning bolt hits.  Ask your writer brother!  No, not the junior brother, but the senior brother who writes and taught, yes that’s right, writing!  Throwing caution to the wind, I provide the link to some old writing and ask him to be brutally honest.  Seriously, he didn’t need to be told.  That’s what he does.  John read quickly and wrote me with some awesome tips.  He was complimentary but gave some appreciated, very honest feedback. My two big take-a-ways were:

Who’s your audience?

You seem to be keeping your readers at arm’s length.

I initially thought the audience question was hard, but I was making it hard because I don’t think I wanted to answer truthfully.  The audience is me, just me.  I feel good writing.  I feel good when I am done writing.  I should be writing more and more often.  I’ve also realized that I am a writer if I keep writing.  I don’t have to do anything spectacular with it.  It is enough to write and feel better because I have written.  So, yes, it has taken me 6 months to get to one “enough” that I can live with.

The last thing that I want to deal with now to get this writing going is the “arm’s length” comment.  This is a difficult one because I felt as if John stabbed me, just a little with the comment.  It was honest critique as I had requested.  It was incredibly insightful and accurate.  The problem was he may have been talking about my writing, but he had just portrayed me and what I do with family and friends, not just readers.  He had touched on why I was having such a hard time with all of this.  I did need to stay on my neatly defined path and fear deviating.  Fully opening yourself to others, either in person, or in the written word might make you think about what you are doing or what you are feeling.  The introspection of 2016 was bringing this all full circle with the help of Joe 40 years ago, John now, my writing course, and a total stranger. 

I want to write.  I want to write for me.  Not for anyone else. That is what I will do.  With a renewed sense of commitment to myself and the way I feel, I will write more.  For me.  I hope others may see it and possibly like it, but I am writing to proceed on my journey.  The introspection will continue because, evidently, that’s what I am doing this year.  I will continue to work on defining my feelings and where I am going with them.  I will attempt to expose myself more on paper and maybe in the flesh as well.  That will help my writing and make me a stronger person.  And for now, this juggling act between introspection and “enough” just got a little more balanced with one more “enough.” Even though the word has not evolved as I wanted – it may not be a bad word for the year.